Greetings Reader,
PaulaDaPally here. I'm writing to confess for my actions at this years Brewfest. I'll try to keep it short, but a lot of stuff happened that I need to get off my breastplate. I'm a little embarrassed to talk about some of them, so please bear with me. (I blame Coren Direbrew by the way. If I hadn't fought that loud-mouthed midget, none of this would have happened.) In fact, it might be better we take a trip back in time to Tuesday night, and you can see it all first-hand. Then you can judge me. (That was a pally pun btw).
Cue Gnomish time travel machine
/swirly Vortex
"PdP, please help us. We MUST enter the depths of Blackrock Spire to defeat the Heinous Coren Direbrew and stop his plans to destroy Brewfest...Hic"
These were the cries of my guildmate Kitrine.
I knew of Brewfest, some of my Dwarven brethren spoke of it while we trained in the Order. While we Paladins don't oppose celebrations like Brewfest, we don't actively condone it. We have no such celebrations on my home world, so I have little personal investment in "Brewfest". The thought of being excited about a festival celebrating tube shaped mystery meat, and smelly drinks just seems alien to me. (That might be because I'm an Alien to this world, I don't know. I'm sure Ennyo just loves it, she once told me "I love sausage "). Kitrine, my long-time friend and fellow Draenei needs my help. And I'm not going to say no to her. Nor would I turn down a good fight. /flex.
We travelled to Blackrock Mountain. Kerstyn, a powerful human Mage and another guildmate, had explored here before and knew her way around the depths of the mountain. We were accompanied by Tharley, a Death-Knight and Moondream the druid. Our goal was to infiltrate the inn at the bottom of the mountain, rendezvous with a Dwarven spy, and put an end to the plot against Brewfest. It seemed simple enough, and would give me lots of time to work on gaining favor with the Argent Tournament afterwards.
The fight went well enough. His gang of Dark-Iron dwarves fought as best they could. Coren had a few tricks up his sleeve but he was quickly dispatched. I took a few knicks and scuffs to the plate, but a little work and some spit and polish will make them look nearly new again. I took a few hard shots and I'll have a few bruises, but nothing to be concerned about. (Although... My hoof..does this look cracked to you?) I earned a couple of trinkets which made the trip well worth the trouble. My Shaman friend Kitrine received the reins to an enormous Kodo. At the end of the fight, Direbrew dropped a cask of ale. I was impelled to take this back to the organizer of Brewfest. Something in my psyche was telling me, ! Take this back to the Brewfest organizer !. Kerstyn conjured a portal to Ironforge so we could quickly leave the small, dimly lit chamber full of dwarves smelling of old beer and sausage of the Grim Guzzler, to arrive at a huge dimly lit city full of dwarves smelling of older beer and smellier sausage. I was tiring of Brewfest, and I'd only just arrived.
The journey from Ironforge to the small town of Kharanos is very short. And its downhill, which makes for an even quicker trip. I don't know how those dwarves can tolerate the cold though. Its no wonder my Dwarven comrades are so...whats the word? I don't know... But they have to be to live in a place like Dun Morogh. I found the Brewfest Organizer (a Gnomish sounding name, its unpronounceable to my Draenei tongue) who thanked me profusely. He gave me some gold, and some tokens, and a voucher to redeem a souvenir mug. It would have been rude to refuse him, so I thanked him and took a couple steps back. I was starting to get cold. And my stomach had still not settled from the teleportation to the Dwarf capital. The Brewfest organizer watched me, waiting for me to go and get my souvenir mug.
"Go and get something to eat", he said. "For goodness sake Lass, find something to melt the ice off your horns".
We both laughed at this, and he turned to greet the other Brewfest patrons. There was music and laughing, a real sense of fun. It seemed worthwhile to poke around a bit, and I was already in a better mood now that I was out of Ironforge. I headed off to redeem my tokens.
"I've been given this to exchange for a mug. Can you help me?" I asked a woman near one of the booths. She was a human, with a lovely smile. It turns out she was a bread vendor. "I'm afraid I can't, but here, try one of these pretzels". It was delicious, but very salty. It settled my stomach, which was great, but it made me very thirsty.
I stumbled forward. A dwarf had crashed into my back, his head crashing into my shield lain across my back. "Sorry Lass, I was just admiring yer tail. Here, have one of these, on the house." With that, he thrust a stein of ale into my hand and went off to crash into the bosom of my friend Kitrine. Kit just laughed at this, but Kerstyn was quite offended. She slapped the dwarf, hard across the face, and told him to watch it or he would spend the rest of Brewfest as a sheep. The Dwarf apologized profusely and headed in the opposite direction at a very hurried pace. I passed my drink over to Kerstyn, saying she could use it more than I. She thanked me, and quickly downed the sample. Her cheeks flushed red, and a smile crossed her lips. "Mmmm, thats really good".
Encouraged by this, I went over to a vendor to get another.
"Which would you like? There is Barleybrew clear, for those of ye watching yer weight. I have..." and he carried on with all the different kinds of Barleybrews there were. So I bought one of each. The Dwarf liked this.
Now, the Barleybrew clear was quite nice. It wasn't as strong tasting as I'd expected, and the taste wasn't overpowering. I tried the other of the brews, and found they were quite to my liking. And they made me feel great. Its like all my cares in the world were just stored away in an extra Gigantique Sack. It also made me realize I was hungry. I looked for Kerstyn, to ask if she could conjure me up something to eat. But neither she nor Kitrine were anywhere to be found.
I walked around Brewfest, looking for my friends. Vendors would thrust drinks at me, and food into my hand. I bumped into the organizer again, who asked me how I was enjoying myself. He seemed heartened by my souvenir mug, still half full of some Ogre concoction.
"Oooh, Mudders milk. You do have exotic tastes. Have you tried..." and he went on to list about 10 different kinds of beers.
Apparently I had sampled all the drinks at Brewfest. He was so happy, he thrust more tickets in my hand.
"And what about the Golden Links? and..." and he listed a number of different sausages. I had tried all of them and I didn't dislike them as much as I thought I would.
"What about the Spiced Onion cheese?"
I hadn't.
"Well come on then dear". He grabbed me by the arm and took me over to a lonely cheese vendor. I sampled some of her cheese, and the organizer cheered and thrust more tickets into my hands".
I was quite happy that he was so excited for me, but I didn't have a clue about what to do with all these tickets. He walked me over to another booth. I hadn't noticed them before because they were surrounded by a throng of Brewfest revelers. I looked at the merchandise. Souvenir hats, dresses. Brewfest tunics. I wasn't impressed with the clothing (Its hard to find a hat that will fit over my beautiful horns) but I thought the Brew of the Month club sounded interesting. I'd taken quite a liking to beer after all the samples I'd tried. But I didn't have enough tokens. I turned to the organizer and asked him what I should do. He took me aside.
"Now Listen ere Lass, I can't be givin ye the tickets to buy the brew of the month membership, as much as I'd like to, or I'd have to give em to everyone. But I could use yer help with a few things. Ye see those wolpertingers runnin around?"
/confused. I had no idea what a wolpertinger was, but I had begun to notice winged rabbits with antlers running amok.
"Aye, those be Wolpertingers. Please help me catch a few. And while you're at it..."
He gave me a list of things to do, the first of which was to catch some of these Wolpertingers running all over Brewfest. He had given me a net. Thank the light for that net because those little Wolpertingers are fast. Cute as all get-out, but fast. I rounded up five of them, and headed down the hill towards the ram racing.
Now I'm revered by the dwarves, but I'll be darned if they let me ride one of their rams. I've got several great steeds from Stormwind, and I pride myself on the tigers and sabers from Darnassus. I've got a mist-saber I ride as my choice mount when I'm not flying. Heck, I've even got a Bronze Drake, of the brood of Nozdormu, from the time I fought some guy in Stratholme for a gnome named Chromie. But will they let me ride one of their goats? no. So I was pretty excited when they offered me the opportunity to ride one of their fastest rams to pick up some casks of ale. An apprentice handed me the reins, made sure I could ride at a trot, a canter and a gallop, thrust more tickets in my hand and sent me off to Kharanos to get more brew. I asked how many, and he said "as many as you can get, but they need it fast".
And with that I was off. I'd never ridden anything so fast. All it takes to keep those yaks happy is a firm hand and a lot of apples. Its a wonder they didn't send me for more apples, my ram was going through them faster than Brewfest was going through beer. I ran back and forth between the Brewmaster in Kharanos and the tent where I started things off. I brought back about a dozen or so casks before my ram called it quits. It seems that while these dwarven mounts are great sprinters, their talents would be wasted on long cross-country trips.
With my heart still pounding from the thrill of riding the racing ram (faster than any ground mount I've ridden, even with my crusader aura to hasten the pace) I headed back up the hill to Brewfest. I could hear the wolpertingers in my bag starting to get restless, and it seemed cruel to keep them in there any longer than I had to. I arrived back at Brewfest and started to hand them to the organizer one by one. I reached into my bag to grab the last of Wolpertingers, thankful to liberate them from the inside of my inventory bags. My stomach clenches at the things I've stored in those bags. Heads (The most recent being a Plunderer from Utgarde Keep), Talbuk poo, cave mould (which is actually delicious by the way), the list goes on and on. I've seen Hio keep food in her bags, alongside the heads and dirty ore and plants she picks up, which really grosses me out. But she normally eats in bear form so I don't think she much minds the taste of anything, nor the smell. I felt a tickle on my fingertips as I groped around inside the bag, looking for the last Wolpertinger. It felt like a soft bristly brush, the way Purp's tongue does when he licks you. (Purps is Mightykiwi's Frostsaber, a ferocious animal to fight beside, and a fantastically soft belly to rub when he lets you). The Wolpertinger was licking my fingertips. I finally got a good grasp on it and pulled it out of my bag. It was cooing and squeaking. It was quite possibly the cutest thing I'd seen since One-eyed Willy. (Ennyo says she has seen many one-eyed willies and wouldn't call any of them cute. I don't know what she means). How was I going to give this up to the Brewfest Organizer. It turns out I didn't have to, he noticed how taken I was with it, and let me keep it. I thanked him profusely. He asked how many tokens I had, and if I could sign up for the Brew of the Month Club yet. I counted, and answered "not enough".
He pulled me aside. In a hushed voice "Don't fret Lass. Here's what you can do. I can tell you're well travelled. I could use a strong hand at the smaller Brewfest celebrations going on at the other cities. Would you mind stopping over, and just checking up that all is well?"
I promptly agreed and headed over towards the gates of Ironforge, intending to take the tram to Stormwind. As I headed towards the hill, the earth began to shake beneath my boots. At first I thought it might have been Idora or Kitrine, showing off with their great Earth Elemental. I'd felt this sensation before, and I'm always awe-struck by the Elemental that the Earth force sends to their aid when they ask. Shaman forces are powerful, not unlike the light, and I commend them for it. But this was nothing of the sort, because a great rumbling sound came with it. Great drilling machines came from under the ground, and Dark-Iron dwarves spilled out of them. It appears we had not thwarted their plans after all, because the Dark-Iron dwarves were headed straight towards the kegs. One of the smaller, Brewfest Dwarves (might have been a gnome, it was hard to tell), drunk out of his mind and twice as furious, hurled his empty beer mug at one of the Dark-Irons. Immense laughter erupted when it struck his target (what allegedly was his target) right in the head, and knocked him cold to the ground. Immediately, ales were being downed and hurled at the party-crashers. There were a lot of Dark-Iron dwarves, but I don't think any of them got near the kegs. It went on a while. By the time it ended, the ground was littered with empty ale steins and unconscious dwarves. (Most were Dark-Iron, but some were Bronzebeards who'd had too much to drink. And I had hit at least a dozen of them myself. That's a lot of beer, really fast it turns out. The Brewfest Organizer thanked everyone, and everyone got extra tickets for repelling the iDark-Irons. I was starting to feel a bit less care free, and a bit more spinny. It was time to head to Stormwind.
I stepped onto the road and started to summon my favourite Mist-saber. I was nearly run over by a drunken dwarf riding one of the Brewfest racing rams. He was barking about Barleybrew this and that. I summoned my Black War Mammoth. If there were more of these drunken barkers, I'd prefer that they be the ones to get run over, not I. Mammoth seems to do that trick. And it felt a bit safer, on account of the spins. Mind you its a farther fall, but I installed seat-belts when I got him. I mounted ole Mr. Smite (I named my mammoth Mr. Smite, on account the two look quite alike) and chased after that drunken barker. I chased him from the bank to the mystic ward, through the military ward. It was pretty much all around Ironforge, I chased after him, yelling at him. He never did stop, or even look back. I gave up by the time we got to Tinker town, and left the chase to the proper authorities. I entered the Deeprun Tram. I was exhausted by this point. Everything was taking a very counter-clockwise turn. I lay down on one of the benches, hoping it would help the spins subside. I wasn't out more than twenty minutes, I'm sure of it. I woke up on the floor. Apparently I had rolled off the bench, and onto the cold, dirty ground. Normally I wouldn't mind, but the ground in the Deeprun tram is sticky and gross. I woke to a gnome stroking my hair. he was muttering something about his sprocket being totally sprung, and asking if I wanted to see the seaforium charge in his pants. I doubt that he could fit an entire seaforium charge in his pants, and I found his behaviour to be odd. I stepped past him intending to board the tram. He grabbed my tail and tried to swallow the whole darn thing. He was muttering to himself, and his eyes were rolling around in his head like he was possessed. He was foaming at the mouth. His hips were gyrating like he was spinning a hula hoop. I swatted him away and ran to the tram before it left. I'm never comfortable with the way the gnomes in the Deeprun Tram look at me. (Ennyo mentioned she met a tripod there once and loved it, but I don't know what she means. I've never met anyone with 3 legs, but I guess it would be kind of neat to see). I looked back at the gnome, who was waving at me. He had a big smile on his face, but I could see he had wet himself. Poor soul, I'm sure he was just upset about all those troggs taking over Gnomeregon. But that smile didn't seem right. It was a relief when the tram sped into the tunnel and I was alone, and headed to Stormwind.
I arrived at the other end of the Tram. I began the incantation to summon Mr. Smite, but I messed it up and got my purple Ellek. He looked upset because I hadn't rode him in a long time. I felt guilty, so I climbed aboard. He was slow, but happy to be out of the stables. I even tied a carrot to a string to entice him, but if it made a difference, it was not noticeable. He grumbled when I applied my Crusader Aura, so I let him have his way and just loped through the city at a very casual pace. I was happy enough just to be out of that tram and away from that creepy gnome. I checked with one of the Stormwind Guards, who directed me outside the city walls, to check on the Stormwind Brewfest celebration. It wasn't nearly as busy as the Ironforge festival. To my amazement, it was being over-run by pink Elleks. In Elwynn! /boggle.
I rode around, trying to corral a few, but with no luck. I was a little upset when my purple ellek tried to climb on top of one of the females. I dismissed him, and rummaged through my bags. I found one of the Gnomish devices that the Brewfest organizer gave me. I dispatched a few of the pink Elleks. I'd never seen one before, not even back on Draenor. I found more of the same near Darnassus, and outside the Exodar. I didn't spend much time in Darnassus, they aren't as friendly to Paladins as the other cities. They like me well enough, but I feel a bit like an outsider. I didn't spend too much on Azuremyst because I wasn't in the mood for a lecture from Prophet Velen. He is a nice enough guy, but I always feel a little weird around him.
Part of the nice thing about overseeing the different brewfests was drinking more beer. I like beer a lot. I don't particularly like sausage, especially not as much as Ennyo does, but I like beer. It was time to report back to Brewfest in Ironforge again, and to sign up for the Brew of the Month club. Not wanting to go back through that tram, I decided to use my hearthstone. I set my heart to Dalaran because its a beautiful city. Its so high up, and the towers are so tall, its just so full of light. I love Dalaran, despite all the magic there. And there is a lot of magic in Dalaran. It turns out I had muttered the wrong thing when I used my hearthstone, because I ended up in the sewers, instead of the inn near the bank and the forge.
Yuck. I hate the sewers in Dalaran, they are like a maze. Needless to say, I took a wrong turn, and instead of surfacing, I ended up at the exit pipe. Tired, and feeling a bit spinny, I sat down. A troll fellow, also apparently lost, came over and sat down beside me. He muttered something to me. I don't know what he was saying, but he repeated it again and again. I reached into my bags and pulled out some of my brewfest beers. He drank them, apparently happy with the offering. He tossed me a black bag, and turned and left. I opened the bag, and a ghostly skull floated out of it. It floated above my head. It was not as cute as my new Wolpertinger pet. I put the skull back, and brought out my Wolpertinger to share in the view. He chittered and squeaked at me, and promptly jumped off the side of the pipe.
I was not expecting this, and I don't think he expected a fall of hundreds of feet. I leaped out after him. I caught up with him and held him, we were far too close to the ground, and far too far from Dalaran than I would have liked to be. Apparently those little Wolpertinger wings are not for flying. Thank goodness for bubble. Wolpertinger thanked me too, and then crawled back into his bag. I don't think he likes the sewers in Dalaran anymore than I do, but I know he doesn't like flying. I think I was quite sobered up by my near death experience, because I wasn't feeling like I was before the jump. It turns out (I learned this after discussions with Hio later) that I was completely smashed (which is a term for drunk). I summoned my bronze drake, asked him to take me back up to Dalaran. We arrived at Krasus Landinging, and I headed back to Ironforge through the portal.
Let me tell you that teleportation while being completely smashed is not good for the stomach. There were Dwarves and humans and Elves vomiting all over the place. I ran out of the mystic ward and headed for the gates of Ironforge, just to get away from all the wretching and the awful smells. I got to Brwfest, and tracked down the Brewfest Organizer. I told him about the pink Elleks, and the fall from the sewers. He was rolling on the ground laughing. I didn't tell him about the gnome in the tram, although I'm sure he would have laughed at that too. (I told my friend Kiwi about it, and she nearly threw a disc out in her back from laughing so hard. She is a dwarf, and so had grown up knowing about the tram. She mentioned something about the gnome, and getting off a rock. She was laughing too hard, I didn't really understand her). I got more tickets for all my troubles, a thank you, and an invitation to come back to do it again the next day. I thanked the Organizer, and headed back to Ironforge. By the time I got to the gate, I was more exhausted than I had been after any battle in recent memory. I inspected the guards at the gates. The seemed trustworthy, and sober. I tucked my tail safely between my legs, lay down, and went to sleep outside the gates of the city. It was cold, but the air was fresh, and it felt good. The beds at the inn are too short anyway, my horns scrape the walls and my hooves hang over the end of the bed.
